Sunday, September 1, 2019

The Jackson Family's Top 142 Songs Ranked (Disc Seven, The Finale)


Don't think of the scores as a grading system, e.g. 7/10 = 70% = C-. Here, 70% means that the song is better than 70% of all other possible music. And don't @ me. There's a lot of awful music; I've written over 300 songs.

22. Janet Jackson, "Doesn’t Really Matter" (2001) 8.59/10
"Nutty nutty nutty for me." Get it?

21. Michael Jackson, "I Wanna Be Where You Are" (1971) 8.59/10
"There's so many things we haven't tried." I always wondered exactly what 13-year-old Michael was talking about . . . .

20. Michael Jackson, "Got To Be There" (1971) 8.6/10
Love begins everywhere she goes.

19. Janet Jackson, "Again" (1993) 8.6/10
She left Tupac for the dude from CSI.

18. The Jackson 5, "Never Can Say Goodbye" (1971) 8.8/10
The real-life and on-TV preacher from Amen wrote this - yep.

17. Rebbie Jackson, "Centipede" (1984) 8.85/10
If you do one hit, do it like this--nationwide prime time premiere. The video always makes me think of Ghostbusters.

16. Michael Jackson, "I Just Can't Stop Loving You" (1987) 8.9/10

Each time the wind blows
I hear your voice so
I call your name
Whispers at morning
Our love is dawning
Heaven's glad you came

You know how I feel
This thing can't go wrong
I'm so proud to say I love you
Your love's got me high
I long to get by
This time is forever
Love is the answer
I hear your voice now
You are my choice now
The love you bring

Heaven's in my heart
At your call, I hear harps
And angels sing
You know how I feel
This thing can't go wrong
I can't live my life without you

15. Michael Jackson, "You Are Not Alone" (1995) 8.91/10
R. Kelly wrote this about one of his many teenage victims. He forced her to get an abortion; he refused to show up at the hospital.

14. Michael Jackson, "Smooth Criminal" (1987) 8.91/10
Michael Jackson, but with a Tommy gun.

13. Michael Jackson, "P.Y.T." (1982) 9.0/10
Our rival played this in my last game as a senior; I went nuts. That game could not be found on YouTube.

12. The Jackson 5, "The Love You Save" (1970) 9.0/10
The best of the original hits.

11. Michael Jackson, "Thriller" (1982) 9.1/10
Today the meme is hilarious. Thirty-five years ago the video was haunting and horrifying.

10. Janet Jackson, "I Get Lonely" (1997) 9.5/10
The remix is hot, but unnecessary.

9. Janet Jackson, "Anytime, Anyplace" (1993) 9.6/10
Top 10 sexiest song of all-time.

8. Michael Jackson, "Wanna Be Startin' Something" (1982) 9.6/10
The Brothers look really strange here.

7. Michael Jackson, "Beat It" (1982) 9.61/10
Real rival gangs appear in this video. Who taught them to dance so well? Oh, wait, they're probably the guys just standing around in the background.

6. Michael Jackson, "Rock With You" (1979) 9.62/10
Karen Carpenter turned this song down. WHO?!?!?

5. Michael Jackson, "Remember the Time" (1991) 9.63/10
Best. Egypt. Ever.

4. Michael Jackson, "The Way You Make Me Feel" (1987) 9.63/10
The BEST of Bad.

3. Michael Jackson, "Don’t Stop 'Til You Get Enough" (1979) 9.64/10
This plays on most stations TODAY, 40 years later.

2. Michael Jackson, "Billie Jean" (1982) 9.65/10
Did he put a fake comb in a fake pocket . . . right next to his real pocket?

1. Michael Jackson, "Human Nature" (1982) 9.99/10
The song that almost didn't make the album.


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