Sunday, August 25, 2019

The Jackson Family's Top 142 Songs Ranked (Disc One)



Don't think of the scores as a grading system, e.g. 7/10 = 70% = C-. Here, 70% means that the song is better than 70% of all other possible music. And don't @ me. There's a lot of awful music; I've written over 300 songs.

142. La Toya Jackson, "You’re Gonna Get Rocked" (1988) 5.0/10
100% did NOT want to include her. But with the right team, she's Janet or Madonna, instead of the black sheep.

141. La Toya Jackson, "Bet'cha Gonna Need My Lovin'" (1984) 5.05/10
That's a staple mid-80s chorus and ummm dance break? Okay, I don't know why the track is so weak, but this is a hit in another universe.

140. La Toya Jackson, "Heart Don’t Lie" (1984) 5.1/10
I mean she can't dance, but the voice is basically on par with the Jackson ladies.


139. The Jacksons, "Enjoy Yourself" (1976) 5.9/10
Introducing Randy!


138. Jermaine Jackson, "Don’t Take it Personal" (1989) 5.91/10

We had to include Jermaine a few times or we'd never hear the end of it. Gotta go. His ninth wife is calling us right now.


137. The Jackson 5, "Goin’ Back to Indiana" (1971) 6.0/10
It's not a great song, but you'd like to believe they stayed grounded. And why would kids have babies to go back to? Whatevs.

136. The Jacksons, "State of Shock" (1984) 6.01/10
Michael loved partnering with other top talent of the day. He did this on "Shock", but often wondered aloud why anyone would listen to Mick Jagger since he can't sing at all and couldn't hit a pitch with a wall.


135. The Jacksons, "Nothin" (1989) 6.02/10
Not bad considering that Mike quit the group. Plus, this is 20 years post Ed Sullivan show . . . .


134. Michael Jackson, "Blue Gangsta" (2014) 6.02/10
So a couple of rapper-producers stole this song and released a remix without anyone's permission--a song MJ never wanted released. Then, he died and Sony released an amazing updated Timbo version. And I thank them once a week by email.

133. Jermaine Jackson, "Let’s Be Young Tonight" (1976) 6.02/10
How lame do you have to be to admit that Jermaine's your fav? Jokes aside, the album version is a masterpiece. That version is not posted below.


132. Jermaine Jackson, "Do What You Do" (1984) 6.02/10
Jermaine will 1000% see this list and complain on a Middle Eastern show you've never heard of about how no one respects his talent.

131. Marlon Jackson, "Don’t Go" (1987) 6.02/10
Ya know . . . it really was Michael's "unique" lifestyle that made him appear to be so superior to his siblings. Tito and Jermaine are amazing musicians and producers. They all sing. Janet, Jackie, and Marlon move like most people think they do after a few drinks. We're missing like 10 more great Jackson-family albums.


130. Michael Jackson, "Another Part of Me" 1988 6.02/10
Captain EO! The luckiest people of all time were introduced to this song via a 3D-film, at a theme park, where Michael saves the universe with dance, color, and hope. And people think Beyonce . . . I ccan i can't di I'm laugj u can Beyon hahahahahah hahahahahahah

129. Michael Jackson, "Music and Me" (1973) 6.02/10
My first love, here:


128. Michael Jackson, "You've Got a Friend" (1971) 6.03/10
The cover is perfect, but know this: in their first few years, the J5 recorded four albums, Michael record three solo albums, Jermaine recorded two solo albums, and Jackie recorded a solo album . . . while they toured constantly.

127. Michael Jackson, "Burn this Disco Out" (1979) 6.03/10

I didn't know this song existed until I was a senior in college. What was I DOING?!?! You're welcome.

126. Janet Jackson, "Tonight's the Night" (1997) 6.03/10
According to older friends, this kinda cover is from The Velvet Rope, aka the #1 baby-making album of the late 90s. Also, gay dudes and lesbians got down.

125. Janet Jackson, "China Love" (2001) 6.03/10
Once we hit the Janet catalog, we realized this couldn't be a top 100 list.

124. Michael Jackson, "The Way You Love Me" (2010) 6.03/10
Yes, almost immediately, he had hits from the grave--not songs--HITS. And here, you get to hear his instructions from beyond.


123. Michael Jackson, "Loving You" (2014) 6.03/10
Released after the worst breakup of my life, I'm not sure if this was the last thing I needed or exactly what I needed. Well, it feels hopeful, so probably the latter.



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