Wednesday, December 15, 2021

00Craig: James Bond Movies Ranked

You love lists and Look to the Cookie doesn't do nearly enough of them. So here are the rankings and reasons for the five Blonde Bond movies as determined by the sexiest single man in all of pretend media. 

5. Quantum of Solace (2008) Marc Forster 4.3/10 Although common on this list, in QoS Forster flaunted the lack of story and dialogue. In this film, Bond was so sprung by his sexy co-pilot, as he flew over vagina canyons, that a 150db jet sneaked up him. And still, somehow in a crop duster, James outmaneuvered and took down an entire military fleet.  Part of the plot saw an evil white man stealing water from local brown people. Water became the new oil. But how did the locals not know that a lake of 500,000 gallons of clean fresh water was just miles away? James knew. 

Sony Pictures

4. Casino Royale (2006) Martin Campbell 5.0/10 The name's Bond, Blonde Bond. I don't feel, I kill. Who knows what year this takes place in, but it was produced after 9/11. That level of shenanigans at a U.S. airport, post-9/11, was beyond Bond ridiculous. This isn't really a film, it's more of a video game that you can't play. But it's the first Bond that is so sonically telegraphed that you don't have to watch to know what's happening.  bangbangbangbang JUMP dingding GRAB dongdingdong EXPLOSION sizzle. walk away unharmed.

3. Skyfall (2012) Sam Mendes 6.3/10 Beer really looks better on Bond. How many cold ones did this thing sell? Beautiful Blu-ray Bond is a bigger Blonder bomb. Did Bond just become generic-spy, or did they create the generic spy template? Motorcyles, suits, and gambling. Plus, a list! Every spy series ever has the list. But this one has some heart. That rats and coconuts story may be the best story in spy movie history. 

Bond boned up on his MMA moves. He starts a final fight with a flying knee and ends with a reverse triangle choke deep underwater. And just to ensure film school geek cheesiness, the final final fight ends with a closeup of a knife in a back.  Who's good? Who's bad? They're all spies. They're all the same--as you hear every villain say over and over again.

2. No Time to Die (2021) Cary Fukunaga  6.9/10 There's dialogue . . . from people that are not even agents. WOW. This might be an actual movie. The ladies, even with very little screen time, absolutely steal the show. "Double-O-Lady" needs a green light. Bond finally finds love. And yes, she's 30 years younger, and somehow a doctor, and billionaire. Wait how does anyone pay for anything in this world? The bad guys have an island, and an entire military, and 100s of the world's top scientists. Who feeds all these people? And the weapons were from the future!

NTD brings the best version of Bond-movie henchmen as stormtroopers. In this chapter, he doesn't even duck behind a door. He stands still in halls and rooms, while 30 dudes with machine guns can't hit him at all. He doesn't run or seem afraid. He's seen the movies; no way does he die. And then, somehow, he dies. But he doesn't die from the 1000s of rounds fired at his face, or the three bullets in his torso. He dies . . . of a broken heart. Okay.

1. Spectre (2015) Sam Mendes 7.0/10 Black Moneypenny is back! She's the best. Somehow, here, writers figured that they should like write something, and that worked. Go figure. Like most of this list, the cinematography is *chef's kiss*. Unrelated, how many sexual infections does he have? His name is Bond, but he takes it too literally. And of his three double-O-ppearances, this is definitely Ralph ViennaFingers' best.


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