Thursday, May 27, 2021

The DEFINITIVE Ranking of 90s R&B Boy Bands

You love lists and Look to the Cookie doesn't do enough of them. Germar has HAD IT! Enough with the debates. Here, he settles it once and for all. Boys II Men or Jodeci? Jodeci or Dru Hill? Jagged Edge or 112? If your fav didn't make this list, here's a tissue. Also, they probably fit better in the 80s or 00s. This is SCIENCE. Who's the sexiest? Who had the best choreo and executed that ish? OR For the non-dancers, who beat up them drumheads, or slapped a nice bass line? Who had the most hits, honors, and awards? And most importantly, who had the voices?

Note: Germar does judge appearance here, and some of these men were minors in the 90s. In those cases, that judgment will be based on their appearance after they reached the age of majority.

41) PM Dawn deserves better, but numbers don't lie

Sex Appeal: 2.7/10     Moves: .1/10    Hits: 1.3/10    Honors: .2/10    Pipes: 15/20    Total: 19.3/60   

40) Men at Large Music at small.

 

Sex Appeal: 1.9/10     Moves: 2.9/10    Hits: .3/10    Honors: .2/10    Pipes: 16/20    Total: 21.3/60 

39) DRS's album was disgusting--banned in Australia. 

Sex Appeal: 6.0/10     Moves: .9/10    Hits: 1.0/10    Honors: .2/10    Pipes: 15/20    Total: 23.1/60 

38) Guy Those songs you're thinking of hit pre-90s.

Sex Appeal: 5.0/10     Moves: 3.0/10    Hits: .9/10    Honors: 0.9/10    Pipes: 14./20    Total: 23.8/60 

37) LSG R. Kelly's record label kept him out of this group . . . .

Sex Appeal: 5.5/10     Moves: 3.0/10    Hits: 0.5/10    Honors: 0.2/10    Pipes: 14.9/20    Total: 24.1/60 

36) U.N.V. is basically why this list exists. The early 90s had more one hitters than an off-campus housing sitch.

Sex Appeal: 3.9/10     Moves: 3.1/10    Hits: .8/10    Honors: .2/10    Pipes: 16.6/20    Total: 24.6/60 

35) Immature Personally, I never got it, but I LOVED Rogerrrrrr.

Cutie Pies: 7.5/10     Moves: 7.0/10    Hits: 0.5/10    Honors: 0.1/10    Pipes: 13/20    Total: 24.6/60

34) II D Extreme Ssoooo Johnny Gill had a brother, in a competing group . . . hmph.

Sex Appeal: 3.9/10     Moves: 2.7/10    Hits: 1/10    Honors: .1/10    Pipes: 16.9/20    Total: 24.6/60 

33) Ol Skool I mean, but, are they even in their hit song?

Sex Appeal: 3/10     Moves: 3.9/10    Hits: .7/10    Honors: .1/10    Pipes: 17./20    Total: 24.7/60 

32) Playa Cheers indeed, but "All the Way" is a better song.

Sex Appeal: 4.3/10     Moves: 4.5/10    Hits: 0.9/10    Honors: 0.0/10    Pipes: 15/20    Total: 24.7/60 

31) Joe Public A vibe that was needed then and now.

Sex Appeal: 4.0/10     Moves: 6.7/10    Hits: .5/10    Honors: .2/10    Pipes: 13.9/20    Total: 25.3/60 

30) All-4-One were the voices of a generation for about three seconds.

Sex Appeal: 2.0/10     Moves: 2/10    Hits: 2.3/10    Honors: 1.7/10    Pipes: 17.5/20    Total: 25.5/60 

29) Milestone Damn shame we never got that album.

Sex Appeal: 4.9/10     Moves: 2.7/10    Hits: 0.3/10    Honors: .1/10    Pipes: 17.5/20    Total: 25.5/60 

28) N II U delivered one beautiful song that everyone should hear.

Sex Appeal: 6.4/10     Moves: 2.5/10    Hits: ..5/10    Honors: .2/10    Pipes: 17/20    Total: 26.6/60 

27) Intro So is this song about . . . never mind.

Sex Appeal: 6.9/10     Moves: 4.5/10    Hits: 0.4/10    Honors: 0.2/10    Pipes: 14.7/20    Total: 26.7/60 

26) Solo totally missed the memo about 90s R&B subject content.

Sex Appeal: 4.7/10     Moves: 3.5/10    Hits: 1.5/10    Honors: 0.2/10    Pipes: 17/20    Total: 26.9/60 

25) Shai's best song may be "Comforter." No, "Baby I'm Yours."

Sex Appeal: 7.5/10     Moves: 1.5/10    Hits: 2.9/10    Honors: 0.5/10    Pipes: 14.9/20    Total: 27.3/60 

24) Imajin if they dropped earlier in the 90s or maybe the late 80s.

Cutsie Wootsies: 4.5/10     Moves: 6.1/10    Hits: .9/10    Honors: .4/10    Pipes: 13.9/20    Total: 27.7/60 

23) Profyle's biggest songs dropped in the 00s. The Stevie cover copped their spot.

Sex Appeal: 4.5/10     Moves: 6./10    Hits: .1/10    Honors: .1/10    Pipes: 17./20    Total: 27.7/60 

22) 3T should've been called 3 Mikes.

Sex Appeal: 7.9/10     Moves: 3.0/10    Hits: 0.5/10    Honors: 2.0/10    Pipes: 15/20    Total: 28.1/60 

21) Silk-y panties dropping to the floor. Is it just me?

Sex Appeal: 6.0/10     Moves: 3.5/10    Hits: 0.9/10    Honors: 1.0/10    Pipes: 17/20    Total: 28.4/60 

20) Az Yet Ummm what kind of sex were they having?

Sex Appeal: 4.7/10     Moves: 5.7/10    Hits: 1.0/10    Honors: .9/10    Pipes: 16.3/20    Total: 28.6/60

19) Troop popularized a silky smooth Jacksons' track, then . . . flew away.

Sex Appeal: 2.1/10     Moves: 7.3./10    Hits: 1.4/10    Honors: 1/10    Pipes: 17./20    Total: 28.8/60 

18) Color Me Badd If this were their only hit song, they'd still make the cut.

Sex Appeal: 3.0/10     Moves: 6.3/10    Hits: 2.0/10    Honors: .6/10    Pipes: 17/20    Total: 28.9/60  

17) Jagged Edge is better than I remembered, but not as good as you thought. Plus, all those hits you're thinking of happened in the 00s.

Sex Appeal: 4.0/10     Moves: 5.3/10    Hits: 1.0/10    Honors: 3.9/10    Pipes: 15.2/20    Total: 29.4/60 

16) Mint Condition As a child, I thought they were also Tony Toni Tone.

Sex Appeal: 4.0/10     Moves/Instruments: 6.5/10    Hits: 2.9/10    Honors: 0.5/10    Pipes: 15.5/20    Total: 29.4/60 

15) After 7 = 3x the face.

Sex Appeal: 4.5/10     Moves: 5.0/10    Hits: 1.7/10    Honors: .7/10    Pipes: 17.6/20    Total: 29.5/60 

14) Blackstreet has arguably the #1 pop song of all time . . . . I never got it. Never.

Sex Appeal: 2.9/10     Moves: 4.3/10    Hits: 5.5/10    Honors: 0.9/10    Pipes: 16/20    Total: 29.6/60 

13) Soul for Real billed as the next J5. Don't do that. Never do that.

Sex Appeal: 3.5/10     Moves: 7/10    Hits: 2.0/10    Honors: 1.0/10    Pipes: 16.7/20    Total: 30.2/60 

12) Ideal could've been a thing.

Sex Appeal: 6.9/10     Moves: 6.2/10    Hits: 1.1/10    Honors: .2/10    Pipes: 17.1/20    Total: 31.5/60

11) Tony Toni Tone was definitely three dudes named Tony OR just Raphael Saadiq.

Sex Appeal: 3/10     Moves/Instruments: 6.7/10    Hits: 5.7/10    Honors: 0.9/10    Pipes: 15.4/20    Total: 31.7/60 

10) H-Town "Knockin' Da Boots" defined early 90s R&B.

Sex Appeal: 7.7/10     Moves: 5.5/10    Hits: 2.5/10    Honors: .3/10    Pipes: 16.9/20    Total: 32.9/60 

9) Jodeci is only better than Boys II Men if you slang dope or smoke dope or got five baby mamas/daddies.

Sex Appeal: 5.5/10     Moves/Instruments: 3.5/10    Hits: 5/10    Honors: 4.5/10    Pipes: 14.5/20    Total: 33/60 

8) Public Announcement with R. Kelly may have topped the list. Without him, they still mattered.

Sex Appeal: 6.0/10     Moves: 5.9/10    Hits: 4.1/10    Honors: 0.5/10    Pipes: 17/20    Total: 33.5/60 

7) BBD Someone said that BBD's only competition is New Edition.

Sex Appeal: 5/10     Moves: 9/10    Hits: 4/10    Honors: 2.7/10    Pipes: 14/20    Total: 34.7/60

6) Next "Too Close" is another inexplicable top pop song of all time . . . . 

Sex Appeal: 5.0/10     Moves: 6.7/10    Hits: 2.0/10    Honors: 5.0/10    Pipes: 17.3/20    Total: 36/60 

5) Hi-Five Every. One. "likes the way."

Sex Appeal: 3.7/10     Moves: 6.9/10    Hits: 2.2/10    Honors: .5/10    Pipes: 16.8/20    Total: 36/60 

4) 112 may be the most disrespected group on the list.

Sex Appeal: 4.7/10     Moves: 7.3/10    Hits: 4.0/10    Honors: 2.7/10    Pipes: 17.5/20    Total: 36.2/60 

3) New Edition This ranking is not bolstered by their seven albums released before 1996 . . . .

Sex Appeal: 7/10     Moves: 7.5/10    Hits: 4/10    Honors: 4/10    Pipes: 14.9/20    Total: 37.4/60 

2) Dru Hill I did not see this coming. Give them their flowers now. "Thong Song" ruined Dru Hill.

Sex Appeal: 3.9/10     Moves: 7.0/10    Hits: 5/10    Honors: 5.0/10    Pipes: 17.7/20    Total: 38.6/60 

1) Boys II Men was too good for too long. Who'd you expect?

Sex Appeal: 3/10     Moves: 5/10    Hits: 7/10    Honors: 6/10    Pipes: 17.9/20    Total: 38.9/60 

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