Saturday, August 4, 2018

The "Mission: Impossible" Movies, Ranked

You love lists and Look to the Cookie doesn't do nearly enough of them. So here are the rankings and reasons for the six released Mission Impossible movies as determined by the sexiest single man in all of pretend media. 

Germar spent the last three weeks watching these films, just to author this piece. Yes, they took that long because they are that bad.
6. Mission Impossible 4/10 Here, an already middle-aged Tom Cruise looks comparatively young. This film is the best ever 1990s made-for-TV film, which just happens to be directed by Brian De Palma and released in theaters. You know how The Untouchables is the best movie ever, then you realize it's sorta whack, but then you realize it came out in 1987, so it's pretty good. Mission Impossible is the spy version of that, but released in 1996. So, in 2018, not only is it dated, but it's dated next to other 90s films. Yes, it has that one iconic shot that they never got tired of . . . .
5. Mission: Impossible II 4.5/10 Hey, Tom's looking like old weird-ass Tom here. He even has Tom Hank's awful hair from that one movie about a book. John Woo went out of his way here to demonstrate what an awful director he can be. Most of the movie takes place in slow motion. Then, the slo-mo stops to cut to a close-up of something that has no relevance. But hey, he also directed Paycheck, Face/Off (which I liked as a child...), and Broken Arrow. So, why do you think he's so good again? At least the love interest was black . . . ish. Wait, why were they so in love?

4. Mission: Impossible - Ghost Protocol 6.6/10 Thin. So, I'm sure most of you like this one. When I saw, "directed by Brad Bird," I was like "the cartoon dude did a Mission: Impossible movie?!?" He did. And considering that, this was awesome. How did he get this gig? I mean how many times did he sleep with Tom Cruise to get this gig? I mean, I'd do Cruise like seven times to direct a Mission: Impossible. I might even like it, after seeing that first check.

3. Mission: Impossible - Rogue Nation 6.7/10 Oh how I've changed. Initially, I thought - "decent flick." A few days ago I thought, "Rebecca Ferguson is the most beautiful, talented, perfect person to ever appear in a movie!" Plus, this one's good because Christopher McQuarrie directed it. I don't know him at all except that he's Tom Cruise's lover personal film director. Look it up. He's directed a Tom Cruise led film about five dozen times. It's a perfect match. It's like they know each other on some deeper level. I don't know. It reminds me of when I work with my girlfriends. We just really understand . . . . Never mind. Is this libel or slander?

2.  Mission: Impossible III 6.8/10 Finally, a real director. I understand that some of you don't get why J.J. Abrams is one of the best things to happen to visual media. But that's because you're old or dumb or old and dumb. This was the first good film in the series. And yes, much of that has to do with Philip Seymour Hoffman. He's so much better than every other actor in the series to this point that it's almost awkward. It's akin to Steph Curry joining a champion high school basketball team. Yeah, they were great, but . . . he just made a full-court shot, while playing PokemonGo . . . and he shot it with his elbow. 

1. Mission: Impossible - Fallout 7/10 Weird right? This film isn't better than the others, but somehow it definitely is. I haven't looked, but I bet Chris directed it. He and Tom just have a tight connection. I'll look now. Called it. This film is the best because it's smart. And it's smart by realizing that we get it now. I got it 15 years ago. But now we all get it. The guy that's the new good guy - he's the bad guy. The person who's oddly bad, or weirdly good is wearing a mask. Here, they didn't ever try to say "gotcha." They told an obvious but good story. I mean . . . plutonium again? But they brought back all of your favorites and somehow tied the entire series together. It almost makes sense now. Nah, it's nonsensical--it just follows Cruise-logic well.


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