by Germar Derron
1. We really are nervous around you. Hell is awkwardly navigating an infinite soiree where you're the only black attendee. You're alone. You feel guilty, even when you've done nothing wrong. Actually, it's more like everyone's suspicious of you, but you don't know why. What's the crime? I don't know, but I'm definitely the culprit.
2. You talk to us in stereotypes. "I bet your grandmother has a great recipe for fried chicken." "Your legs look strong. Did you run track?" "Well, you're dating my daughter now; a big black guy like you--I hope you take it easy." "Invite your homies; I'm down with it dog."
3. Cops do hate us. The realest scene of the movie plays out like it often does irl. First, a cop shows up. Then, that cop makes demands of the black person who happens to be present. Next, that black person complies. They've seen this movie, and know it well, including the alternate endings. Finally, the privileged white friend (much to the chagrin of their darkie bud) in an irritating, irritated, and elevated voice throws out terms inapplicable to us like "rights," "lawyer," and "done nothing wrong."
4. Nobody believes us. We know when weird racist shit is going down. And before we can begin to present our case, y'all dismiss, lawl, smirk, shrug, and present more rational explanations. Then, cops kill a record number of unarmed black people. Lastly, some white lady, HuffPost contributor writes a piece that says "may be some weird racist shit going down."
5. We adapt to fit into your idea of proper or normal. Wypipo can only digest dark meat that's well done, and super bland. They love Ivy League education, bow ties, enunciation, three-piece suits on a hot afternoon, and other ridiculous standards. Hopefully, one day they'll learn that a dope ass vernacular, bright clothing, and Louisiana Hot Sauce have no relation to crime, intelligence, or a warm heart.
6. You want our friends and they want you. Am I your first black boyfriend? Is it a fetish? Are you thirsty for more? My niggas usually hate my girl, but they LOVE hanging out with you. Whycome?
7. When we go white, we "get what we deserve." Cops, mothers, fathers, best friends . . . . Once you go white, you're on your own. They don't care about your heartbreak, allegations, or complications. That's what you get (when you let your heart win). Before you dial 911, make sure y'alls skins match.
8. We wonder if you ever really have our black backs. At some point, racist uncle Jimmy will show his racist ass. Will you fight on my behalf or nah? Spoiler Alert. Is the white girlfriend in on it, or just really fucking stupid? Of COURSE she's in on it. And now I quote one of my favorites from a white gf about her racist ass family: "they're still my family."
9. We know it's not your fault. SPOILER ALERT. In the film, those white devils were also victims. That hatred, that superiority complex isn't present at birth; it's programmed into you. And if it's programmed, there's a programmer. Fuck that guy.
10. In the end, we all we got. Another spoiler. At the end of the day, the black man was saved by his best black friend. The one person that warned--listened, trusted, cared--and fought was the guy from his hood, with a similar skin condition. And even after all these years, every black woman I've ever dated checks up on me. Every homeboy became my dawg, brother, homie, pahtnah, and bruh. Them others, ummmmmm *crickets*.