Sunday, May 9, 2021

The DEFINITIVE Ranking of 90s R&B Girl Groups

You love lists and Look to the Cookie doesn't do enough of them. Germar has HAD IT! Enough with the debates. Here, he settles it once and for all. En Vogue, TLC, or Destiny's Child? Xscape or SWV? Total or 702 or Blaque? If your fav didn't make this list, here's a tissue. This is SCIENCE. Who's the finest? Who had the best choreo and executed that ish? Who had the most hits, honors, and awards? And most importantly, who had the voices?

Note: Germar does judge appearance here, and some of these women were minors in the 90s. In those cases, that judgment will be based on their appearance after they reached the age of majority.

22) MOKENSTEF had ONE hit song, but it was a banger.

Sex Appeal: 5.5/10     Moves: 3.5/10    Hits: 0.1/10    Honors: 0.0/10    Pipes: 12/20    Total: 21.1/60 

21) VOICES featured a then unknown Tia and Tamera, and ONE hood-ass hit. Rumor has is that if you were in middle school when this song dropped, it was the most magical moment of your young life.


Cutesie Babies: 6.7/10     Moves: 5/10    Hits: 0.1/10    Honors: 0.1/10    Pipes: 10/20    Total: 21.9/60

20) TOTAL-ly Puffed out. 


Sex Appeal: 6.9/10     Moves: 4.0/10    Hits: 1.6/10    Honors: .1/10    Pipes: 13/20    Total: 25.6/60

19) ZHANE should have done a lot more . . . .


Sex Appeal: 6.0/10     Moves: 4.5/10    Hits: .4/10    Honors: .2/10    Pipes: 16/20    Total: 27.1/60 

18) NUTTIN' NYCE were the woman's response to west coast, weed smokin', raw doggin' gangsta dudes.


Sex Appeal: 7.0/10     Moves: 7.0/10    Hits: 0.5/10    Honors: 0.0/10    Pipes: 13/20    Total: 27.5/60

17) BLACKGIRL was a media darling very briefly, but never quite lived up to the hype.


Sex Appeal: 5.0/10     Moves: 5.5/10    Hits: .3/10    Honors: 1/10    Pipes: 15.9/20    Total: 27.7/60

16) DIVINE makes the list based on one surprise hit.


Sex Appeal: 5.7/10     Moves: 6.0/10    Hits: 0.2/10    Honors: .2/10    Pipes: 16/20    Total: 28.1/60

15) CHANGING FACES probably held back by R. Kelly, but super successful notwithstanding his presence. 


Sex Appeal: 7.9/10     Moves: 3.5/10    Hits: 2/10    Honors: 1.1/10    Pipes: 15/20    Total: 29.5/60

14) JADE is more talented and more beautiful than you remembered.


Sex Appeal: 9.2/10     Moves: 4.0/10    Hits: 1.0/10    Honors: .5/10    Pipes: 15.1/20    Total: 29.8/60

13) VYBE is the best group that you've never heard of . . . and "Summer Daze" is the best song.


Sex Appeal: 8.9/10     Moves: 3.5/10    Hits: 1.9/10    Honors: .1/10    Pipes: 15/20    Total: 30.3/60

12) BROWNSTONE was Michael Jackson's one girl group . . . because no one could follow them. Vox had to be ON POINT!


Sex Appeal: 8.0/10     Moves: 3.0/10    Hits: 0.5/10    Honors: 1.5/10    Pipes: 18/20    Total: 31/60

11) ALLURE is to Destiny's Child what The Sylvers (look 'em up) are to The Jacksons. 


Sex Appeal: 8.0/10     Moves: 4.5/10    Hits: 1.2/10    Honors: .3/10    Pipes: 17.5/20    Total: 31.5/60

10) KUT KLOSE in one song smashes most of this list. And they're the only group that never had an ounce of drama. 


Sex Appeal: 9.0/10     Moves: 4.5/10    Hits: 1.9/10    Honors: .1/10    Pipes: 16/20    Total: 31.5/60

9) CLEOPATRA is a group of British babies, but probably better than your guilty pleasure. 


Cutesy Wootsies: 8.5/10     Moves: 6.5/10    Hits: 1.0/10    Honors: 1.1/10    Pipes: 15.1/20    Total: 32.2/60

8) XSCAPE has a legacy that far surpassed their output.


Sex Appeal: 5.8/10     Moves: 6.0/10    Hits: 5.0/10    Honors: .4/10    Pipes: 15.2/20    Total: 32.4/60


7) THE GOOD GIRLS may be the group that got this whole thing started.


Sex Appeal: 9.4/10     Moves: 8.0/10    Hits: 1.9/10    Honors: .1/10    Pipes: 14/20    Total: 33.4/60

6) 702 is an underrated underdog with hits that could go toe to toe with anything on this list.


Sex Appeal: 8.2/10     Moves: 6.4/10    Hits: 1.6/10    Honors: 2.0/10    Pipes: 15.6/20    Total: 33.8/60

5) BLAQUE is TLC 2.0, but maybe better than the originals. They just barely make the 90s grouping.


Sex Appeal: 8.4/10     Moves: 7.3/10    Hits: 3.0/10    Honors: 1.0/10    Pipes: 14.5/20    Total: 34.2/60

4) SWV may be the realest group on the list. If you want silky smooth vocals and a wheel-woman it's gotta be ess-double-you-vee-vee-vee.


Sex Appeal: 6.7/10     Moves: 4.5/10    Hits: 6.0/10    Honors: 4.9/10    Pipes: 16/20    Total: 38.1/60

3) TLC is still number one in terms of sales . . . .


Sex Appeal: 9.1/10     Moves: 7.0/10    Hits: 7.0/10    Honors: 7.0/10    Pipes: 15/20    Total: 45.1/60

2) EN VOGUE is a group of four lead singers. They're the only group to pull this feat off successfully . . . almost (thanks Dawn). 


Sex Appeal: 9.7/10     Moves: 7.0/10    Hits: 5.0/10    Honors: 6.1/10    Pipes: 19/20    Total: 46.8/60

1) DESTINY'S CHILD is actually three groups, two solo artists, and one of the biggest stars of the 21st century. This was a tough placement. So much of their honors and awards were earned during the 00s. And DC is like if Michael continued to perform with his brothers . . . "ain't nobody coming to see you Otis!"


Sex Appeal: 8.0/10     Moves: 8.0/10    Hits: 7.0/10    Honors: 9.0/10    Pipes: 16/20    Total: 48/60


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