Thursday, August 10, 2017

Are you in Indiana? 12 Ways to know if you're in Indiana

You love lists and Look to the Cookie doesn't do enough of them. So here are the rankings and reasons for the top 12 clues that you might be in Indiana, according to a black guy that lived in Indiana once.

12. Do people keep asking you, “What are you doing in Indiana?” I’ve lived in six states and visited 24 others. But only when I moved to Indiana did people ask “why” in a way that suggested I’d made the most grave of mistakes. 

11. You flew over it. If you flew over the state, you might be in Indiana. There are not many reasons to land there. Flyover states--just listen to the song.

10.  Are pockets of people Canadian, but swear that they aren’t? People in parts of this great state speak in that nasally, Wisconsin-y, Michigan-Canadian border way that grates on your ear drums. And when you mention it, they say “wuat ackceant?”

9. Somehow, you’re in the south. If you notice a high number of confederate flags, southern drawls, overalls, pickup trucks, and country music stations, you might be in Indiana. 

8. How good do they beer? Hoosiers often arrive with a 30-pack of beer that you’ve never heard of, and then they drink it, and then they drive home. *BELCH* But never on Sundays.

7. You're in a wine-ry. Every town has a winery, and tastes are free. I did ssssooooo much “tasting.” Some wineries make slushy samples and some moonlight as distilleries and make mixed drink samples. YAY booze!
6. It’s a college town. Ball State, Holy Cross, IU, Indiana State, Purdue, Notre Dame, and-- I kid you not--85 others. In Indiana, every town is a college town. So culture and enlightenment are everywhere, if you want to live in an episode of Girls for the rest of your life. State law prohibits happy hours, but don’t miss those $3 Long Island pitchers in Bloomington. I died that night—again.

5. Are you having sex, because there’s nothing else to do? No shade—get it in. But Indiana is the only place where it’s normal to catch your girlfriend sleeping with your brother’s girlfriend and his girlfriend’s girlfriend. And of course you join them, and laugh about it later, over a 30-pack, with your brother.  *minds explode*

4. Breasts and pecs are smaller on average. No, they’re not; stomachs are bigger. I Googled. Indiana is ranked 11th in obesity rates, and worse than every other place I’ve lived, including those southern states. Hoosiers carry their heft as a badge of honor. Most people there don’t pretend to diet or feign workouts. They don’t wrap their stomachs, suck them in, or cover them and cower all day. Those big bellies enter rooms first, lead conversations, and jiggle and sweat heavily on dance floors. Do you Indiana.

3. Big bushy sticky beards. I realize that it’s a thing now. Lazy dudes convinced women that stinky face forests are sexy. Indiana might be the laziest state in the union. I love when something sticky gets caught in the upper beard below the lip. It’s fun to watch it not trickle, or fall or bounce—it’s more like paint drying.

2. White people are EVERYWHERE. When I drove through Kansas--east to west--I passed fields of corn on both sides of me for hours. A drive through Indiana feels similar if you replace corn with white people. There are fields and fields of whites everywhere. But don’t worry, half of them are cool in that “I think black people are cool, but I don’t know too many in real life” type of way.

1. Are you a tall fat white guy with a beard? I’m not sure if there’s a year-long convention, or if it’s one family of giants. But if you’re a tall fat white guy with a beard, this is the place to be. There are more tall fat white guys with beards than there are minorities. Occasionally, you’ll catch one with a fresh shave and it’s creepier than Stranger Things, It, and The X-Files combined. They look like giant happy babies. I want to kiss those chubby cheeks.

0. Am I sober?  Yes. Yes, I am.


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