Saturday, July 8, 2017

Rankings: The Spidey Movies that Matter

You love lists and Look to the Cookie doesn't do enough of them. So here are the rankings and reasons for the SIX Spidey movies released after the world ended in 2000. You're in the matrix dude.

6. The Amazing Spider-Man 2 4.5/10 I had high hopes. I was wrong. I've never felt so little for characters, superheroes, villains. The weird Russian? robot rhinoceros was weird. The crowds watching bullets fly from the sideline was dumb. And Jamie Foxx made one of Marvel's most powerful B-list super-villains into a powerful punchline. Ouch.

5. The Amazing Spider-Man 6.4/10 The film never quite got over the tall hurdle set up by Sam Raimi and Tobey Maguire. It wasn't bad. It was just more of the same. Tobey, Franco, et al were still fresh. The origin story and villain arc in Amazing matched the story and arc from the 00s version. The movie didn't deliver on what the trailers promised (deep story about the spy parents). Garfield may be a better Spider-Man, but he doesn't work at all as Peter.

4.  Spider-Man: Homecoming 6.5/10 Maybe I just hit that age where cutesy teen movies lose their charm. If I have, this is a sad sad time for me. Michael Keaton can do no wrong. And Marvel's actually inspired inspiring casting excites me--sexually (so many shades of brown). This version of Spidey is the most realistic, which often means boring. Tobey > Tom > Andrew

3. Spider-Man 3 6.7/10 I know why no one liked it . . . because people are wrong about things. Superhero movies are very formulaic. Spider-mans 1, 2, and Amazing are essentially the same film. Raimi and the cast couldn't make the same film for a third time. They colored a little outside of the lines and you all went bat-sh!7. No, I don't know why Peter went emo or learned to play jazz piano or dance poorly. But otherwise this has some amazing moments, and is far superior to the Amazing series, while remaining true to the worlds setup in one and two. 

 2. Spider-Man 7.5/10 It no longer holds up. But this movie, more so than X-men or Blade (Superman or Batman), put superheroes on the movie map. The mask was dumb, but ultimately inconsequential. This was the first time anyone accurately depicted the struggle, sacrifice, and constant danger of life as Peter Parker and Spider-man--outside of a printed page.

1. Spider-Man 2 8/10 At the time, critics called it the best superhero film of all time. I didn't get it. On repeated viewings, I did. They did all the things, and with all the best performances. The train scene, support from civilians, the Christ-like sacrifice and posing--it's everything a superhero film should be. "He's just a kid."



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