Friday, March 3, 2017

The Top 30 Fast Food Items

You love lists and Look to the Cookie doesn't do enough of them. So here are the rankings and reasons for the Top 30 fast food items  as determined by the entire LTC staff and his friend Kim.

30.  McDonald's McRib 0/10 - We hated this sandwich, but obese, illiterate Americans love it. Mystery meat, pickles, onion, and a chemical rendering of barbecue flavoring. Plus it's named after a bone, shaped like bones, but boneless. GTFOH.

29.  KFC's Chicken Pot Pie ?/10 - Decent people don't know this exists. Yesterday's chicken product isn't thrown out, it fills this pie, and your stomach.

28.  McDonald's Hot Cakes 2/10 - Make pancakes. Put those pancakes in the refrigerator. A day or two later, overheat them in the microwave. Do they feel like rubber and taste like blandness? You're welcome. Stop buying these things--lazy ass.

27.  McDonald's Apple Pie 3/10 - Famous for these-type phrases: "y'all wanna add an apple pie for 50 cent?" Just stop. They were first and they did it worst. You don't have room for dessert and you don't need this.

26.  Long John Silver's Battered Fish 4/10 - No, it's not real seafood, but you pay $30 for slightly better at Red Lobster. Stop acting uppity and eat this delicious greasy food-ish product.

25.  Wendy's Frosty 4/10 - We all drank those little cartons of chocolate milk in elementary school. Did you know Wendy's distributes those to schools for free? They got you hooked early. They use the same near-chocolate flavoring in their frosty. Facts.

24.  Wendy's Spicy Chicken Nuggets 5.5/10 - They're good. And they were white meat before McDonald's. Dip them in honey mustard, but don't actually look at the meat.

23.  McDonald's Egg McMuffin 6/10 - That commercial is a lie. They do not crack eggs at McDonald's. 

22.  McDonald's Chicken McNuggets 6/10 - The original. They are perfect in most ways. Who came up with those shapes though? Whycome some look like a six and some look like how I draw a circle?   

21.  Subway's Cookies 6.5/10 - Be honest. They're not THAT good. You're just THAT fat.

20.  Burger King's Croissan' wich 6.5/10 - Buttery, flaky, greasy, and it smells like love. Every time I eat one my heart hurts so good. I'm actually dying. It's bad, but totally worth it twice a year.

19.  Church's Fried Chicken 6.5/10 - No herbs or spices, just grease and flour and cooked fresh all day long. Mmmmmmm.

18.  Krystal Burger 6.5/10 - Imagine a world where White Castle sliders were as good and addictive as people pretend they are. Now find I-95 or I-75, head south and eat like the gods.

17.  McDonald's Big Mac 6.5/10 - The mascot. The burger that showed America the way. You still don't understand the extra bread. Stop thinking about that and think about how delicious it is once it's soaked with "secret" sauce. 

16.  Arby's Roast Beef Sandwich 7/10 -  It's really about dat sauce. Without the sauce it's some dry ass, wet looking, roast brown piled on thin slices of cardboard. It's good doe!

15.  McDonald's Meat Biscuit 7/10 - It's not like grandma made, unless grandma based her biscuits recipe on lard over time. Sausage OR bacon--eggs and/or cheese. They're so damn delicious.

14.  Krystal Chik 7/10 - Make them make it fresh. It's the best slider money buys for under six dollars. 

13.  Checker's Fries 7.5/10 - Seasoned fries are just better. It's like cheating. Fries are already deep fried deliciousness, then someone decided to batter and spice them. They're the Patriots of fries.

12.  Chick-Fil-A's Lemonade 7.5/10 - It's far too sweet, so it's just right. Ice it up good. It's the only drink at any drive-thru that's better than Coca-Cola--occasionally.  

11.  Subway's Tuna Sub 7.5/10 - Who doesn't like tuna? Well, you're wrong. Toast it. Cheese it. Add bacon or cilantro.

10.  McDonald's Chocolate Chip Cookie 8/10 - Better than the best Subway cookies, and similarly priced. Get them warmed or "baked" fresh.

9.  Wendy's Double Stack 8/10 - Fresh never frozen makes a difference. It's a real burger, with real toppings, and it's cheap as hell. It's the best value burger since the 99 cents Whopper.

8.  Popeyes' Spicy Chicken 8/10 - The best bootleg Louisiana seasoning. When it's fresh, it's everything that fried chicken is supposed to be, and much better than anything you've fried at home.

7.  McDonald's Fries 8.5/10 - Don't eat 'em cold. Hopefully they're crispy. They're the face of the franchise and maybe the entire industry.

6.  Popeyes' Red Beans and Rice 8.5/10 - You won't find that rice on any grocery store shelf. And the beans are secretly just fat pellets. But they are the tastiest side in all of poor 'n fat fine dining.

5.  Burger King Whopper 8.5/10 - Have it your way. But don't go to the one in South LA with the bulletproof windows. Their food and service sucks.

4.  Krispy Kreme Original Glazed Doughnut 9/10 - The only item on the list with no nutritional value, so obviously it's one of the most delicious. Sweeter than sugar, and super fatty like you in five years. I'll take three with my orange juice.

3.  Wendy's Spicy Chicken Sandwich 9.5/10 - This sandwich changed the game. It's best when it's so spicy that the tender white meat looks orange. 

2.  The Lubi 9.5/10 - You don't know this restaurant, or ground beef based hot sub because you haven't lived. They do one thing and they do it better than anyone does anything. Google it.

1.  Chick-Fil-A's Spicy Chicken Sandwich 10/10 - The original sandwich was perfect, yet they somehow improved it. Have you ever noticed that the bread is buttery? Always squeeze the mayo. I dip mine in honey mustard and Chick-Fil-A sauce.

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