Friday, March 17, 2017

I ain't got no type, until now

by Germar Derron

On a recent, unpublished podcast, I defined and designed my ideal mate. People often ask me, "what's your type?" I always respond, "I ain't got no type . . . ." Truly, I believed this. I've dated and even loved fat, short, tall, thin, athletes, cheerleaders, models, academics, emo, nerds, blacks, whites, long hair, bald heads, dropouts, lawyers, drug dealers, potheads, super-saved, atheists, country, city, etc, etc. I was wrong. Once I took some time and thought about it, I definitely have a type. She's out there somewhere, and hopefully she's reading.

Here she is, the woman of my dreams--her qualities--in order of importance from least to greatest. Nothing's a must, but by the end you'll know if I'm talking about you.

21. Wealth/Finances/Dollars/$$$$ I don't care. We could build together, or you can have half of whatever I have.

20. Career and Goals Do what you want; it's your life--but do something.

19. Ta-tas They matter much more to you than they do to me. Ironing boards or floppy mountains don't affect my love at all. But because I have to choose here, I could never complain about 34B to 36C, whatever that means.

18. Height "I ain't got no type." But tall women should wear the "more to love" crown. If you can catch some six-footer's legs, back, and neck and start kissing them . . . .  Settle in. It's everything you love about a person, but supersized. It's like being a kid and playing ball on a six foot hoop, and then one day realizing that men play on 10-foot hoops. That said, I'll stick around 5'6.5" because when she's in five inch stilettos, I'll still be taller in our Instagram selfies.

17. Hair Long hair don't care; short hair don't scare. From birth I dreamed of silky long strands. And then I had a couple of white girlfriends. That hair gets everywhere. And it gets sweaty and oily and it's always in the way, like in your mouth or nose or caught on your glasses. Short dos look better, but you can't really get a good grip on them. So, medium hair with a short hair look is magic.

16. Religion Do it or don't. Just don't be a dick about it--at all.

15. Health I thought about that thing that we think about. "What if she's in a wheelchair?" Doesn't matter. And I understand anxiety, bipolar disorder, depression, PTSD, etc. But treatment is a must.

14. Age This is where I blow it every time. From 19-23 women look like they've always looked in my dreams. But dem iz babies--adolescents. It'll be a couple of years before they figure themselves out. Women 30 and up seem to have everything TOO figured out. Dating them is like trying to crack an egg, when you don't realize that the egg is actually a stone. 25-30 is post-college, pre-menopause and perfect for me--I think.

13. Race "Bad 'ladies' is the only thing that I like." I love all y'all, but she probably has to be black. No non-black SJW, critical race theorist, or other minority really understands the African-American experience like an African-American. We connect on a level that I still can't express. It may be energy or spiritual, but it's real. And every shade is beautiful, but a light milk chocolate is perfect.
J.D. Achille, with a tan, has a new stalker. ijk

12. Booty Ten years ago this would've been #1. I used to think bigger was better. I was wrong. Perfection is the lowercase b. Look at it. Round. Straight back. If I could stack a "p" on top of a "b" oowee. I'm a butt man.

11. Family My family didn't workout too well, so yours kinda needs to be Cosby-esque (without the off-screen raping). I quickly adopt my girl's family. Often, I end up with women from broken homes. It's something we bond over. And it's a recipe for disaster.

10. Kids I'd be a great father, if I had kids. I'm excited to struggle with a couple of mini-mes. I've dated women with children--the issues are obvious. I still check out my ex's daughter's social media. It's kinda creepy, but sad, because for two years, she was my daughter. Clean slates are awesome.

9. Academic/Artist/Athlete/Techie I'm all of these things. You should be at least one. If you're not, we'd have nothing in common Keisha, I mean hypothetically.

8. Intelligence I don't care about "IQ." But if you're not at least a 120, there'll be a lot of "I never thought of it that way" and "you over analyze" and "wowwww" and "you're so smart." You'll learn a lot and I'll be thinking, "*sigh* but she's so hot though."

7. Politics This means leaning left and caring about social issues related to poverty, race, justice, gender, and sex. The level of fine that fine would have to reach for me to date today's Republican . . . I don't think it exists yet.

6. Education You're wrong, it is everything. The life experience you got while we were in college--we got that too. But you can only experience the challenge of higher learning at the institution. Furthermore, the non-formally educated have not: gone through years of high level debate, gotten used to having their theories disassembled, been peer reviewed, or done it all full-time while working two jobs, starving, and tolerating three terrible roommates. It's not better, it's just different. Whatever you think you know, could be improved with just one course at NYU or Duke. I probably need a woman who's survived a private school, an Ivy, or two or three top-tier public programs.

5. Background/Culture I'm southern by birth, but my soul is SoCal. Most of the west and coasts fit my politics, palette, and preferences better than the southeast. If you think that: women belong in the kitchen; or I can't listen to rap on Sundays; or rain is Jesus's tears; or child abuse is child rearing; or sugar and fat make a meal; or Confederate flags are about anything but racism; or seeing the pastor is more important than seeing your children then we can't be friends.

4. Weight "I like what I like." But honestly, I'm 186lbs and oddly I keep getting older. In college, I lifted some super cute and very large ladies (tossed 'em right on my soft-side waterbed). Today, that's probably not happening. Before we go out, I have to do a lift test. Maybe I can bench 200, but I'm pretty sure I can bench 130.

3. Face While most guys drool over butts and breasts, I daydream about eyes and lips. Be pretty and the rest of this list disappears. It's exactly how "she who shall not be named" happened. Her lips and nose are exactly what I was taught to draw in art classes. Yes, it's a white standard of beauty and nearly impossible for my ideal mate. But fuller (big-o) lips and a longer wider schnauz work for me too. Eyes like almonds, a toothy smile, defined cheeks, chin, jaw, dimples . . . .

CD
Chanue Donald
2. Sense of Humor She has to realize that I'm the funniest person on the planet. That part usually works out. It's why I have fifty 'leven exes. She can be funny or not, but if she's not laughing at me something is seriously wrong.

1. Like Me The main thing I need is someone who likes me, like really really likes all of me. Maybe that's happened before, but they're married to other dudes (that they hate . . .). Many women have said "Germar, you're a lot" and they're right. And it's not necessarily a bad thing. I may dance on tables, spank some gay dudes, start a fight at a game, win an award for nonviolence, and spontaneously hop on a cross country flight. And I'll do it all within three hours. It's not a life for everyone. Apparently, it's not a life for anyone. But if it is the life for you, get at me.
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